3 Questions: How I Summon My Grown-Up Dragon When I Need Rescuing from Myself
Three powerful little questions that instantly transform my mind state when I'm stuck and stressed
Welcome to ‘Something More’. If you’re new here, I’m Caroline Ferguson – mindset trainer, therapist, storyteller and your companion as we explore what a life that matters might look like. I share candid experiences and provide tips to help bring a little order to the glorious chaos of being human.
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I was reminded last week, while prepping the weekly article for my paying subscribers, that Brené Brown and I ask ourselves an almost identical question when we want to shift our state of mind. She’s less grandiose about it than I am (she doesn’t refer to it as the world’s most important question) but we’re in agreement about its significance.
In this post I’m going to show you how to summon your dragon. Mine has saved me from my own stuck-ness more time than I can count.
We have a DRAGON?!
We do indeed. Dragon mindset is the metaphor I use to describe that productive state of mind we can achieve when we deliberately engage our pre-frontal cortex – the seat of our so-called executive functioning. (Ugh. Could there be a dryer term for something so brilliant?) It refers to our higher-level cognitive skills, including problem-solving, attention-control, information storage and planning. I think of it as a grown-up part of our brains that helps us to focus and use our creativity to generate ideas, solve problems, make decisions and achieve goals.
I chose the dragon to symbolise this aspect of ourselves because the dragon of the east (we’re not talking Game of Thrones, here) is a powerful presence; one that represents wisdom, vitality, change and good fortune. We all need that dragon in our corner.
So how do we summon our dragon when we feel stressed and stuck?
The process I’m going to show you is one I came up with several years ago and teach my mindset training clients. It consists of three empowering questions that you ask yourself in any situation in which you feel stuck, stressed, overwhelmed or out of control.
This might seem a bit simple but please be under no illusions about the impact these questions can have. Using them can completely transform your mind state in seconds, from stuck to solution-focused and able to move forward.
This method has been a pillar of my own personal development, though I find I need summon my dragon less often these days, possibly because using these questions has helped change the way my mind works. You could say my dragon is more present so I don’t need to call her in. You could also say this is mindset management in a nutshell, but where’s the fun in that?
When you ask yourself these three questions you’ll be able to:
Understand how you’re blocking yourself
Interrupt unhelpful, stuck emotions and take back control of your mind
Engage the vast, problem-solving power of your creative imagination to improve any situation.
Wisdom from 2,000 years ago
One of my heroes, stoic philosopher Epictetus, said: “We are disturbed not so much by events as by our beliefs about them.”
He’s not wrong. In fact if it weren’t for this truth, I wouldn’t be doing this thing that I love because it wouldn’t be needed. So much of my work as a therapist and mindset trainer is about showing people how to uncover, challenge and change the beliefs that get in their way.
That’s not to say it isn’t appropriate to feel bad when life throws rubbish at us. Of course what happens affect us but, in most ordinary situations, the biggest, most lasting impact on how we feel, and on whether we’re able to process events and move forward in a healthy way, comes from our stories.
Have a think…
To bring the empowering questions to life, I’d like you to pause for a moment and remember a recent time when you felt frustrated or stuck. What happened to make you feel like that?
Was it because you’d taken on too much?
Or because others’ expectations of you were unrealistic?
Or you were carrying a huge burden of responsibility?
Or you felt overwhelmed by deadlines?
Whatever your individual situation, you probably felt one or more of the big, difficult emotions, such as anxiety, resentment, anger, shame, guilt, hurt, jealousy or misery. You may have felt as though your options were limited, or you had no choice at all. And you may have found yourself behaving in an unhelpful way, maybe procrastinating, snapping at people or being super critical of yourself.
Three questions that can bring your dragon to the rescue.
Next time you feel stressed and stuck, ask yourself:
Q 1: What’s the story I’m telling myself about this situation that’s leading me to feel like this?
Asking what I call the world’s most important question acknowledges the situation you’re in and achieves three things:
FIRSTLY, it interrupts the emotional spiral of ‘stressed’ and ‘stuck’, and helps you move from unconscious, emotional reactivity to conscious awareness. In your newly conscious state, the prefrontal cortex area of your brain (the seat of your executive functioning) switches on and can help you observe what’s happening more calmly and objectively. This equips you to respond in a more constructive way.
SECONDLY, it helps you identify your beliefs and patterns of thinking.
Some of your stories are keeping you stuck – musts and shoulds are often the culprit.
The problem with imperatives is that no matter how justified we might think we are in making demands of ourselves, others or the world, this way of thinking and behaving is rigid and irrational. Just because we tell ourselves that a thing should or shouldn’t happen doesn’t guarantee we’ll get the outcome we want. Continuing to insist on something we can’t control is a recipe for winding ourselves up. We need to find more helpful, flexible ways of wanting. (We cover this in our monthly group coaching sessions for paying subscribers.)
Once you’ve identified your stories about a situation, you have a choice: you can either hold onto them and keep disturbing yourself, or you can challenge them and exchange them for beliefs that will have a more helpful impact on you and the situation.
And THIRDLY, the question acknowledges that how you think influences your emotions and behaviour. The moment when we accept responsibility for the impact our beliefs have on us is a powerful one. When you consciously change the story, you change how you feel and what you’re capable of achieving. You’re no longer the unknowing victim of your beliefs; you’re the deliberate architect of your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. You (and your dragon) get to control how you show up.
Now that you’ve interrupted your emotional spiral, let’s get creative via the second empowering question.
Q 2: What would be a better outcome from this situation?
This puts us squarely back in our prefrontal cortex, where our dragon lives. This is our wise, adult, imaginative, problem-solving self, governed by creativity and pattern-matching, rather than emotion.
Note that when I say “better outcome”, I’m not referring to the perfect, long term solution. In that moment, when you feel stressed and stuck, a good outcome could be a small positive movement in the right direction. Or it might be that you feel more in charge of yourself, and better able to think rationally and communicate more clearly, now that you’re no longer stranded at the top of your emotional ladder.
The ability to imagine a better outcome paves the way for the third question:
Q 3: What can I do to make the better outcome happen?
This is where the creative thinking you set in motion in Q2 flows into powerful action. Think of small steps that you can take quickly, and then – this is really important – do them immediately, or write them down by hand and action them as soon as you can. Swift action joins up with the thinking prompted by Q1 and Q2 and encourages new connections in the brain.
The first action to take is to revise your story about the situation. If you were telling yourself it was hopeless, change that to: “Yes, this may be feel really tough but it’s not hopeless. I’ve survived difficult situations before and I have the abilities, resilience and creativity to handle this one too.”
Next, think of practical steps you can take, e.g. requesting a conversation, reprioritising your to-do list, delegating a task to someone or asking for help.
Taking action creates momentum and sends a big message to your mind that you’re not helpless. On the contrary, you’re resilient and resourceful. You’re able to make decisions, come up with solutions and make things happen. In some situation, being active can create feelings of satisfaction and release feel-good endorphins.
Do the questions still work if we’re in a situation we can’t do anything about?
Yes, they do. Even if the situation is outside our control, such as we all experienced during the time of covid, by using the questions we can work out what our unhelpful stories are and challenge and change them so that we’re not winding ourselves up.
Consciously accepting what’s happening is one action that can transform both how we think about a situation and our ability to cope with it. Acceptance is, I believe, the second most vital life skill, after self-awareness. It can result in us becoming more resilient and flexible and less prone to feeling disturbed.
Note that acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It simply means we stop fighting ourselves over the fact that something has happened. I’ll post an article about this essential mindset skill in a few weeks.
So to recap:
With question 1, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about this situation that’s leading me to feel like this?” you interrupt the spiral of emotion, identify your unhelpful stories, acknowledge the impact they have on your emotions and behaviour, and put yourself back in your driving seat. Even on its own, this question can summon your dragon and shifts your state of mind. It also builds the mighty skill of self-awareness.
With question 2, “What would be a better outcome for this situation?” you engage the powerhouse of your executive functioning and fire up your creative imagination to come up with solutions.
With question 3, “What can I do to make that better outcome happen?” you move into action mode and prove to yourself that you’re not helpless, and that you are capable of changing the situation for the better.
Simple as this sequence of questions is, the process can help you change state swiftly, shifting you from feeling stuck and held hostage by uncomfortable emotions to regaining control of yourself, and being able to find answers and deal with events in a constructive way. Welcome, dragon, come on it.
I suggest you reflect on the tough situation I asked you to remember earlier in this article, or one that you’re facing at the moment. Try running the 3 Questions and notice what changes. How did you feel then? And now? What’s the better outcome you came up with? What are you going to do to give it a chance of happening? What’s your outlook on this issue, compared to earlier? How has your dragon helped you?
When you get used to using the questions, even asking Q1, the world’s most important question, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about this situation that’s leading me to feel like this?” can help transform your mindset, literally in seconds.
Use the questions when you:
feel stuck in anxiety, frustration, misery or any other uncomfortable emotion.
don’t know what to do.
feel wound up and can’t think of a way forward.
I’m going to be presumptuous and suggest you save this article because these questions really work, especially when you use them regularly. Write them on an index card keep them close to hand. (Before I started travelling, I had them pinned to the noticeboard behind my monitor, next to Robert Fripp’s Ten Principles of Craft).
I’d love to hear your thoughts on these questions, and your experience with using them, so please do comment. I’d also be glad if you’d restack this article or share it on social media so that others can learn how to summon their dragon and help themselves in any situation.
Thank you for reading. Take care and be more🐉!
Beautiful. Thanks for referring me to this article
thanks Caroline 🙏🏻