Where Are You on Your Emotional Ladder?
How to stop high emotions from sabotaging your negotiations
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Heard the one about the bucket, the ladder and the leaky radiator?
A couple of weeks ago, my weekly public post was all about your bucket of tolerance. This week I’m on about ladders. I may need to work harder on making my metaphors more glamorous! (Look out for the leaking radiator, coming soon.)
Do you recall your last major disagreement?
Maybe you were having an argument with someone who couldn’t see your point of view, or accept that you were entitled to a different opinion.
Or you couldn’t find common ground and neither of you would back down.
Or you were frustrated because they refused to accept they might be wrong, even though you knew the facts proved you were in the right.
During the disagreement you may have felt wound up, angry, even furious. Possibly you felt hurt, too. Arguing used up vital energy and left you feeling frustrated, tired and full of judgement. Quite probably the other person felt that way too.
Welcome to your emotional ladder
This simple mindset metaphor can help us visualise why this kind of disagreement is so hard to resolve, and empower us to make the conversation much easier and more productive.
Try this quick visualisation:
Imagine you’re in the middle of a disagreement. Now visualise your emotions as a ladder. The more stressed you feel about and during the conversation, the higher up the ladder you climb. Your emotions escalate further with each rung until, by the time you reach the top, you’re so wound up that you’re incapable of thinking in a rational way. You’re consumed by your own feelings, and your point of view is all that matters.
The top rung of a ladder is a precarious place to be. For a start, there’s nothing solid to hang on to. Also, being that consumed by emotion is far from optimal when you’re trying to negotiate with someone, or reach an agreement.
If the other person is also at the top of their emotional ladder, all that matters to each of you is defending your position and showing the other that they’re wrong. How on earth can you find common ground in that state?
If reaching a resolution is important, then both of you have to ease your way down your respective ladders until you reach a place where you can think constructively, present the argument in a reasonable way, and hear and understand the other person’s point of view. Then you may be able to work together on a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.
So, how do you climb down from those raging heights?
These simple steps can help defuse the anger and offer an opportunity to navigate the disagreement, without getting caught up in it.
1️⃣ Understand where you are on your ladder and climb the heck down.
You’ll often hear me mention that self-awareness is the most valuable life skill (this month’s group coaching is on exactly that topic – hit the subscribe button above or below to join us on Wednesday) and this perfectly illustrates why. Before you can climb down your ladder, you first need to be aware that you're up there. Take a pause. Breathe slowly to calm yourself, and visualise yourself descending your ladder.
The more you use this technique, the better you’ll get at recognising when you're approaching the upper rungs. This can itself interrupt the emotion and help you drop to a more rational state.
2️⃣ Help your antagonist climb down their ladder.
Now that you're in a more rational place, encourage and support the other party to do the same. Suggest a pause. Use a more friendly tone. If they’re in the room with you, perhaps suggest a walk to get some fresh air and a change of scene. Go for a tea break, share a story. Find a way to relate to each other’s humanity.
3️⃣ Get clear on the situation, calmly.
Now explain that you'd like to explore their viewpoint, and for them to hear yours. It helps if they say yes to this – one yes can lead to others. You want to make sure each of you understands what’s at the core of the disagreement, and the consequences of the different outcomes for each of you.
Ask them as objectively as possible to present their point of view. Hear them without interrupting and listen to understand, not to reply. What is the main thread of their argument? What, if anything, have you misunderstood? If you need clarity, ask.
Now ask them to hear your perspective without interrupting (except to seek clarification). Summarise your situation using non-confrontational language. Correct any errors in their assumptions and avoid irrelevant detail.
Then check that you both understand each other's point of view.
4️⃣ Offer to work together to find a solution that works for you both.
Let them know you'd like to find common ground. Ask them if they can suggest a fix that would work for both of you. If you have a suggestion, ask permission to share it with them. Listen carefully, without getting defensive. Think about which aspects would work, and which would need further discussion. Steer clear of personal attacks and criticism. Keep the outcome in mind and give and take. Being constructive is the way forward.
Heightened emotions can affect our ability to solve problems
When we’re particularly stressed, our executive functioning doesn’t work too well. Climbing down the ladder can help us to regain access to our creative, problem-solving capabilities.
Of course we’re human so emotions may rise and fall even while we’re trying to stay on the lower rungs. Be conscious of which rung you’re on and pause and regroup if you feel yourself climbing. If you’re struggling to stay centred, it can help to suggest continuing the discussion another time.
Even if you're unable to change the other person's mind, the ladder technique can make life a lot easier by preventing you from getting stuck in a spiral of emotion that affects how you feel and behave.
Try it and let me know how you get on.
Live group coaching this Wednesday
Don’t forget, paying members have access to the live mindset coaching session that takes place on the last Wednesday of the month. If you’re a free subscriber and would like to join these monthly Zoom sessions, it’s easy to upgrade from as little as £5.83 a month. Hit the button, choose a subscription level and then (very important) click ‘confirm’ in the email that arrives in your inbox.
I’d love to hear from you if you have any comments about the emotional ladder technique, or anything else you’d like to ask or share.
Until next week, enjoy being your “something more”.
x
