Avoidance and the Red Ferrari

Why trying NOT to think about something makes you think about it even more.

May 20, 2024

Vintage red Ferrari on a purple background. — Ferrari 275 GTB/4 Berlinetta. Yum.

Hi welcome to Something More, where we play with mindset and self-leadership and explore what a life that matters might look like. If this is your first visit, welcome. There are plenty of articles in the archive giving tips and strategies from my years of being a therapist and mindset coach, plus the odd tale of personal (mis)adventure from my nomadic life. And cats and dogs, of course. Always cats and dogs 🐾 Click below to sign up for my fortnightly free articles, or upgrade to receive additional posts and monthly mindset group-coaching.

I got caught in the crossfire of a rant on FB the other day.

Someone in a group for coaches was airing frank views on what they called the “sit-with-your-feelings brigade”. Their argument went something like this:

“Why force yourself to feel bad by thinking about things that make you unhappy? Why invite that kind of pain into your life?”

Their guidance was that we shouldn’t go to places in our minds that are negative, focusing instead on positive, aspirational thoughts. Also there isn’t much that can’t be fixed with a bit of soft-play (as self-care seems to be called now).

I’d thought the coaching world had moved on from toxic positivity but a fair few people concurred with this conspicuously successful coach.

Um, no.

I do agree with them that it’s vitally important to look after yourself – radical self-care is one of my four pillars of self-leadership. But I’m a fan of constructive rather than purely positive thinking and I don’t believe a dose of happy thoughts and a spa day can offer anything other than temporary distraction when we’re fielding something that fills us with such dread we can’t bring ourselves to think about it. It’s like slapping concealer on a dodgy-looking mole and loudly singing “la la la!”.

I didn’t say it like that in the FB group, of course. I simply remarked that, as a fully paid up member of the “sit with your feelings brigade” (henceforth known as the SWYF), I believe there’s merit in exploring our less palatable experiences, beliefs, emotions and behaviour. Taking into account how our minds work, avoidance may not always be the most helpful strategy for resolving a situation.

This did not go down well. It was suggested that I was projecting negative energy into the group. Ah well, I’ll miss some of the more useful discussions we used to have in there.

Single large iridescent soap bubble against green background — Source: @panicAttack on Depositphotos

“Don’t think about it, it’s too hard!”

There it is again, that feeling you get when your mind flits to something you should have done but didn’t… or a memory that floods you with shame… or someone you can’t face... or a situation that fills you with dread…

Tricky emotions like anxiety, anger and shame kick in – at least they would if you'd let them, but that particular mess is too uncomfortable to think about.

So you push it away.

The problem with avoidance is that the very act of trying not to think about something means you’re thinking about it, even if peripherally. If you’ve ever tried to give up smoking, chocolate or an unreliable but irresistible lover, you’ll be all-too familiar with that paradox. It’s also a key feature of procrastination.

Avoidance creates a layer of additional tension. So now, on top of your original uncomfortable feelings about whatever it is you don’t want to think about, you’re also beating yourself up with a whole mess of shoulds and shouldn’ts for not resolving the situation.

Ugh. Double whammy.

Let’s try a little game.

If I say to you, “Don't think of a red Ferrari”, what immediately roars into your mind?

Yup.

Yours might be the current F1 monster, piloted by Carlos Sainz Jr. Or the legendary F40. Or a Dino, or a Daytona. Mine’s a 1966 275 GTB/4 Berlinetta (see main pic above, gulp).

And if I say to you, “especially do not imagine that red Ferrari growling through the bends of the Basse Corniche, high above the Côte d'Azur on a perfect late spring day, with the exhilarating perfume of jasmine, high octane fuel and money filling your nostrils…”

Whee! You’re leaning into that bend.

I just can’t help thinking about what I’m told not to think about. Can you?

(Apropos of nowt, I usually do this exercise with a white horse but today I fancied a Ferrari.)

Emotion is the key to those constant prods from your subconscious

Attempting not to think about something doesn’t remove it from your mind. If anything, it can magnify it – especially if there’s strong emotion present.

With anxiety, the avoidance paradox is effectively an unconscious defence mechanism. If I think about something and it makes me feel afraid, and then I try not to think about that thing, my mind will take note of the emotion. It will infer that what I’m trying to avoid is important, possibly dangerous, maybe even life-threatening, so my mind had better continue to remind me about it so that I don’t die. The fact that the thing I may not be trying to think about is doing my accounts, rather than, say, facing a firing squad, is irrelevant; the unconscious mind is not a rational thing.

If we get into the habit of avoiding thinking about situations that worry us, it can lead to generalised anxiety, where our unconscious mind is continually sweeping the horizon, seeking things to be afraid of. Let’s not do that to ourselves.

The same mechanism applies to other powerful emotions such as envy and desire. If you want something strongly, your mind will take note of those big emotions and keep reminding you of The Thing. It’s surprising how quickly something you’re trying not to think about can become an all-consuming obsession. I know whereof (and, ahem, whomof) I speak.

Solving this problem involves, yes, SWYF – sitting with your feelings.

I know I say this in almost every post but self-awareness really is the most valuable life skill we can learn. One of the ways you can build self-awareness is by checking in with yourself and finding out what’s going on below the surface when you feel bad.

Sit with those feelings as you consciously reflect on the situation you’ve been avoiding thinking about. Allow yourself to experience and name the emotions you may not want to feel, and pinpoint the stories you’ve been telling yourself.

As you do this, you may find the emotions easing off and your mind quietening.

woman sitting on floor near window — Photo by Ricko Pan on Unsplash

Here are three reasons why I believe this strategy can be helpful:

1. Confronting your fears boosts your resilience

When you allow yourself to reflect on something you’ve been avoiding, you prove you can actually survive thinking about it. You can bear those thoughts and emotions. This evidence sends a message to your mind: “It didn’t kill me. I can cope with this”.

Each time you sit with your fears, you expand your comfort zone a bit more and further desensitise to anxiety. There’s very little in this world that’s bigger than your ability to cope with it. You've survived everything thrown at you to date. You’re far more resilient than you realise.

2. Deliberate reflection leads to solutions.

Did you know that when your conscious mind issues instructions, your unconscious mind can’t help but try to follow them? This fact is incredibly useful. When you purposefully reflect on a tricky situation, your unconscious mind has no choice but to look for ways to help you deal with it. It’s a brilliant resource to tap into.

Try this for yourself:

Think about something you’ve been avoiding. Try to do this without judgement. Even if it feels hard, sit with it and observe how you feel and what’s going through your mind. The acuteness of the discomfort should gradually ease off.
Label what you’re feeling. There may be several different emotions going on.
What’s the story you’re telling yourself about the situation? Challenge your assumptions. Is it really as bad as you thought?
What would be a good outcome for you and others? Issue your unconscious mind with a firm request to find a solution (speaking out loud in front of a mirror can work well – you may feel a bit of a twit at first but stick with it).
Now pay attention to what comes up. The answers could take a while to trickle through, or you may have an immediate eureka moment. Make a note of any ideas and explore their merits and viability.
What actions could you take, now and in future, to resolve this?

Regular visitors to Something More will notice I snuck in versions of my three most important questions. Dear reader, I use them for EVERYTHING.

3. Avoidance is caused more by your beliefs than by the situation.

The thing that’s bothering you, the one you’re trying so hard (and failing) to avoid, well you have a heap of stories around it. Some of them you may be all too aware of. Others are lurking in the deeper levels of your mind and might come as a surprise.

Whether they’re conscious or unconscious, they’re causing trouble for you.

Quote against a purple background: We are disturbed not so much by events as by our beliefs about them. — Not going to apologise for posting this quite yet again.

Here’s the thing about beliefs: you can’t outrun them.

Having the self-awareness to hear your stories gives you the power to challenge and rebuild them. And when you know how to do that, you automagically transform how you feel on an emotional level, as well as how you’re capable of behaving.

Often the best thing we can do with a situation we’ve been avoiding thinking about is to address it and put it right. At other times the best thing we can do is cut our losses and let it go, giving ourselves full permission to jettison the anxiety, anger, shame, guilt, hurt, or whatever emotions have been leaking out of the mess all this time.

It’s hugely empowering and liberating to be able to do either of those things.

Lean in to how you feel.

I believe that when you sit with your feelings, not only do you become more resilient and better at solving problems, you also take charge and become the wise, resourceful adult to the little kid inside you who’s sticking their fingers in their ears while crying their eyes out.

So, the next time you find yourself thinking “Oh no, discomfort alert! Dive, dive, dive! Do not go there!”, do yourself a favour and go exactly there.

Thanks for reading this post – if you think others might find it useful, please do share or restack it. I’d love to hear about your experiences too and what, if anything, came up for you, or you might take away. Or even that you disagree. All comments are welcome.