The Power of Permission
Or what an epic rainstorm reminded me about self-leadership
Welcome to the weekly free post from ‘Something More’. I’m Caroline Ferguson – mindset trainer, therapist and your companion on this scenic hike through the high and low country of mindset, personal leadership and exploring a life that matters.
Today’s post is about giving ourselves permission...
…and it’s coming to you a little later than normal.
As I write this, while the southern half of the UK has been basking in decidedly un-autumnal warmth and sunshine, the weather up here in Scotland would have Noah digging out his plans. A monsoon-worth of rain fell over the weekend, bringing fierce floods and landslides and transforming railway cuttings into canals.
Yesterday I was due to travel from Fife to the west coast. It’s a journey I know well and on a good day it takes two and-a-half hours.
Yesterday was not a good day.
If you’re in the UK, you may have seen on the news that helicopters had to airlift ten people from their cars to safety after a major landslip blocked the main road into the Cowal Peninsula. My destination was five miles further on from that point; clearly I wasn’t going to be taking that road.
I ended up on a wild detour involving a ferry, flooded roads and rocky mudslides, and a hairy trip along a rural track that my non-four wheel drive, snorkel-less car did not like one little bit. Mostly in torrential rain. It took over five hours but I eventually made it.
How is the weather relevant to today’s topic, ’permission’?
When I started this Substack at the end of August, I promised myself I’d post twice a week and schedule posts in advance so my readers could see them first thing in the morning. I take that promise seriously and haven’t missed a deadline yet.
Until now.
After the marathon journey (and the week of intense DIY that preceded it), my brain was pretty much empty of anything other than the need for a cup of tea, a cat purring on my lap and a significant nap. I knew it would take several hours to write a post and could feel myself growing concerned about it not being ready on time, and letting my subscribers down.
Our next group coaching session is on Wednesday 25th October. If you’re currently a free subscriber, you can attend by signing up for a month for only £7.
Another time I’ll explain why my posting promise held such power over me, but back to yesterday. I did what I always do nowadays when I feel a bout of people-pleasing anxiety hovering. I put on my coaching hat and asked myself a few questions:
Q: In this state of knackeredness (technical term), is it likely that I’ll produce a coherent and useful post?
A: Nope.
Q: Will my subscribers be hopping up and down if the weekly free post doesn’t arrive on Monday at 7:15am on the dot?
A: Unlikely.
Q: Will it matter if the post goes out a few hours late?
A: No – as long as it goes out.
Rationalising helped a little but didn’t entirely shift the “I’m letting people down” feeling (spot the almost-but-not-quite-recovered approval addict). The next step did, though. This is what I announced to myself:
“As an intelligent adult who knows her own mind and has agency over her decisions, I give myself full, unconditional permission to rest now and deal with this tomorrow. I allow myself to put self-care first.”
Sorted. The cat and I were asleep within seconds.
Self-permission is an essential self-leadership skill
I’ve given a relatively trivial example here but please don’t underestimate the value of being able to consciously and deliberately allow yourself to follow a course of action (including doing and not doing).
This act of self-sovereignty can have a radical impact on how we run our lives, how we show up at work and at home, and how we look after ourselves. In the past, some of the bigger permissions I’ve granted myself unconditionally have included changing career direction, embarking on a nomadic adventure, giving myself time for writing, improving my fitness and letting go of unhealthy relationships.
NB: self-permission isn’t an excuse for a cop-out
There’s a difference between:
“I choose not to do this because, given the circumstances, it’s a sensible decision”,
and:
“I choose not to do this because I can’t be arsed.”
If we’re honest – essential if we’re to become effective self-leaders – we know when we’re fooling ourselves. Sure, we can choose not to do something if we can’t be bothered, but let’s not dress it up as personal leadership.
If we routinely feel bored by a task, the grown-up thing to do is question why it bores us and whether we need to keep doing it. If the answer to that is yes, then we can review our motivation and find a different way to approach it. We always have a choice, even if that choice is to change the way we think about something.
What permissions will you give yourself this week? Let me know in the comments.
Oh, and on the weather front, there’s been some respite today but more rain’s heading in tomorrow. Wonder where they keep the life-jackets in this house?
Until next week, enjoy being your “something more”.
x
